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| WOW. I haven't updated in a long long time, and I don't know why I am now. Oh wait, yeah I do, it's because I've been at work for 2 and a half hours with no laptop, nothing to do, and I'm bored. Or maybe it's because I got a "feedback report" (I haven't seen any in months) where this crazy bitch I used to know wanted to talk to me, and I read her site and she's still the same sad, crazy bitch I used to know (did I already say that?). Apparently now she's pregnant (go figure) and married (go figure!) to a 20 yr old (Go Figure!) skateboarder (GO FIGURE!). I was like WTF, cuz last time I saw her she said she didn't want to talk to me ever again because I was the same person she remembered seeing (that was back when I tried to kill myself) which was total bullshit, and she hasn't changed at all since 7th grade (except to become more open with her craziness and maybe lost a little weight) and the hypocrisy of it all made me angry enough to want to post something. You can pick a reason.
For whatever reason, I'm posting again on this horrible site (at least it's not as bad as MySpace) with the same random bullshit I've always posted. But first, an update on me:
I'm living in Chicago, going to school at IIT, and I've finally been initiated into the Alpha Epsilon chapter of Phi Kappa Sigma. I'm studying Computer Engineering, and last term I got a 3.133 GPA. I play World of Warcraft a lot, and am currently trying to get my lvl 51 undead shadow priest up to level 60 so I can do more fun stuff with him. I have several other characters, but he's the highest and my favorite. I'm trying to get a cell phone. And that's all.
My mind's a blank, again, so I'll cut this short. I am a vampire and | | |
| Yay! In classic Fred style, here's another personality report that I found interesting.
Breaking Past Patterns You need to find a less critical and neglectful partner.
All
serious relationships bring a mixture of good stuff (such as caring,
support, and acceptance) and bad stuff (such as criticism, neglect, and
manipulation). In the test, when you looked back on your last
relationship, you recalled a fairly equal exchange of good stuff, but
recalled her doing more of the bad stuff.
Specifically, you often felt ignored and neglected by your Ex. She
was probably a very independent woman who needed a lot of "space."
However, based on what you described, it sounds like she intentionally
excluded you from her life at times and put up emotional barriers, too.
You probably came to feel very lonely, even when the two of you were
together.
The most important thing you and your partner had going for you was your friendship. You
gave each other support and appreciation, and did lots of little things
to make life easier and more enjoyable for each other.
Yes, this is about Caitlin. Strange how I can't see these things
while in a relationship, but as I found out, hindsight is 20/20 and you
have to look at yourself from behind to see if your pantyhose are
crooked. I guess what that's saying is that it's better that we're just
friends.
Anyway, on a lighter note, I'm in college in Chicago (go IIT!) and I
joined a fraternity last week (Phi Kappa Sigma, the Skulls). I'm living
in the frat house now with my three computers and giant speakers.
Classes are great, I'm studying Electrical and Computer Engineering
(ECE) because that's what I've been into forever. I'm on Facebook (Fred
Shope) so you can hook up with me there. College is way better than
high school. High school was full of bullshit and crappy people and I
didn't like it much. At my college, everyone is like me. I've found all
kinds of people who play all kinds of RPGs (MMO, single player, online,
pen & paper, D20, figurine, cards, everything. I joined the Linux
User Group and would have joined the Magic: the Gathering group if I
had brought my cards up. I have too much stuff here, so I might not
bring them when I can get to them again. I'm really liking Chicago.. my
school gets Upasses so we can go anywhere in Chicago we want for like
$80 a year. I've made a few trips downtown, and to UChicago for a
party. I walk a lot, but I wouldn't drive even if I had a car cuz it's
a hassle, and it's expensive as fuck. Expect gas prices to reach $5
very soon. Hurricane Katrina probably knocked out the oil pipe 50 miles
south of New Orleans, from which the US got 80% of its oil. I know a
lot about the hurricane because there are 3 guys here from the
fraternity's chapter in New Orleans, which is under 15 feet of water
right now. They're doing a road trip to the other chapters in the US.
Anyway, classes are going well, food's good, people are good, I have no
complaints so far. When I do, you can be sure I'll post it up here. :)
bye.
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| Welcome to Whale Wash, where you get a whale of a wash, and the price...
OH MY GOSH!!! IS FRED REALLY UPDATING? Yes, but see how exciting you
find it when he rambles on and on about the weird shit in his head.
I've been thinking a lot about life, relationships, psychology, and
related shit. And I'm still thinking.. things don't make a lot of sense
at 1AM; they just kind of bang around and come out. And what better
place to put them than the internet?
My girlfriend is currently in New York, at a music camp. She's been
there since mid-June, and she's not coming back until mid-August. I'm
leaving in late August for college in Chicago, 800 miles away. Which
gives us.. 1 week when she gets back. Sucky? Yeah, but I can deal with
it, because I have no choice.
She wrote me a letter saying that she's been thinking weird things
because there are guys there that she finds attractive, and she likes
to flirt with them. But she feels strongly for me, and is confused by
her conflicting feelings. This is worrisome to me for two reasons: 1)
When girls go away, for the summer, for weeks, avoid me while we're
dating, etc, they tend to break up with me afterwards; and 2) Last time
we broke up, it was for the same/very similar reasons. Yes, I've been
jaded by past relationships. Yes, my family situation is very
interesting and leaves me prone to abandonment issues, addiction, and
demented thought patterns. But I try not to bring these issues into a
relationship, because my partner did nothing to deserve them. Anyway,
back to the issue:
I've been in situations (recently) where there are several attractive
girls interested in me. Caitlin's been flirting with guys, and I've
been flirting with girls. Does that mean that we aren't interested in
each other? Does it mean our relationship is in trouble?
I called my Dad to answer difficult questions like this, since he has a
lot of experience in similar situations and seems to have some good
advice. A lot of my friends come to me with relationship problems, and
I can usually help, but it's different applying the same methods and
reasoning to myself. Here's what Dad had to say:
It's not a problem to flirt with people, as long as you know your
boundaries. If you do something that makes you uncomfortable, it's a
problem. If you give the appearance of being available when you're not,
it's a problem. If you mislead someone and arouse desires that you
can't fulfill, it's a problem. So this means there's no problem.
Another thing between Caitlin and I is that she is younger (15
currently). Girls, generally speaking, are more mature than boys at
their same age. I, however, having a background of therapy and
psychology due to my family situation, am much more mature than most of
my peers at age 18. This leads to a "gap" in maturity, which causes
some problems. I seem to be looking for a lasting, meaningful
relationship, whereas she may not be yet. This is another thing my Dad
helped me realize.
Teenage relationships are difficult, because starting at an early age,
we are thrust into dating instead of building a relationship.
Relationships are built in social situations, where you can see a
person for who they really are (or at least the self they present to
the group). Social situations like Music Camps, which may be the cause
of some of Caitlin's problems. Yes, school is a social situation, but
it is not quite the same. Group dating, parties, and social occasions
will help create relationships that can evolve into dating, instead of
starting dating and trying to build a relationship afterwards. My
father also helped me realize this.
So what does this mean to me, in relation to Caitlin and me? It means,
perhaps we are not the way I thought we were. Perhaps the "gap" in
maturity causes her to think I'm smothering, overbearing, and clingy,
and me to think she's immature, shallow, and introverted. Perhaps we're
not meant to be, yet at least. That's not saying it's not possible down
the road. Perhaps what it means is that I should just enjoy spending
time with her, and stop expecting it to go somewhere. I'll admit I do
want a lasting relationship. I'm tired of dating someone, giving it
everything, and being torn from it. It's painful. Pain hurts. Pain
creates fear, fear of pain, and fear of the situations. Walking the
path of fear leads to very very bad things. I don't feel like running
from the situation. Running gets me nowhere. Facing my fears will bring
me power and self-esteem.
Yes, I love Caitlin very much and it's hard to imagine being without
her. I like being with her, I like thinking about her, and I like the
time I've spent with her and her family, and the energy I've put into
the relationship.
Another thing my Dad said (I'm relating this to World of Warcraft
again, because it works) is that relationships are a lot like video
games. They take attention. You can't just have it there and expect it
to work. But it's not "working on a relationship" any more than it's
"working on a game." It's play, it's fun, it's rewarding. In other
ways, relationships are like video games. When I broke up with Paige,
and more recently when Scott broke up with Janet, it reminded me of
deleted character files in video games. All the time and energy put
into the relationship suddenly meant nothing, as it does when a
character gets deleted. But it's not the end of the world, you can just
create a new character or start a new relationship.
As much as I don't want the relationship to end, it may very well have
to. I think that there's a reason we're together, a reason I feel
comfortable with Caitlin, and a reason why the very improbable happened
to bring us together. But it may be a few years down the road that it
finally works between us.
Does this mean we're breaking up? Not unless we decide to. I am no
closer to that decision than I was in May. But it may be the way the
chips fall.
I'm very grateful to my dad for the input he provided. Maybe when I get
some sleep, this will make more sense, and I can finally write a
coherent letter to Caitlin in music camp. I have all day painting
tomorrow to think things over.
Did I leave anything out? I hope not, but in my rambling, I may have.
Maybe some day I'll get around to the Judge I promised. Maybe not. For
now, enjoy the update, call me if you have my number and want to, or
think my site sucks and my posts suck and I'm a moron. I really don't
care, it's your choice, not mine. Whatever you do, have fun doing it.
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| Hey, I finally updated cuz I'm bored out of my mind. I can't sleep, and Diablo somehow got boring  .
Now wtf am I gonna do? I decided to mess around online, but who knows
how long that's going to be entertaining? I decided to do my xanga like
my computer, which has a red-and-black-gargoyle theme. It's kinda cool.
Caitlin's in chicago, and my sister, who lives in chicago, is here. The
backwardness is freakin me out a little. I started working out again
today to get back in shape. Which means I hurt. I felt like a pussy at
the gym today cuz I could only bench like 200. It'll get better, I
suppose. If anyone wants to play Diablo with me, I play USEast
Nonladder and my account names are pyrettablaze and pyrettafreeze. I
need more people to play with cuz it's getting kinda boring when my
buddies aren't on.
I have nothing to write about.. blah. I hate xanga. I decided the
reason why I put it up is all but dissolved but I don't want to delete
it cuz... I don't know maybe I should delete it lol. Like it does me
any good anyway.. Xangas are retarted. Everyone has one just to put
their own little shit on it and it's usually a lot of gossiping back
and forth and people who can't talk to people face to face. I was
reading some people's xangas and it really pissed me off so I had to
stop. damn 13 yr old girls shouldn't be on the internet anyway, much
less have their own sites. Lol that's my rant for the day...
School is getting really old. So is my family. I can't wait to go to
college. All kinds of shit here just pisses me off. Hopefully college
will be better. I still don't know how things will go with my
girlfriend when I leave, but I'll figure that out later cuz it's not
important now. I'm gonna go... dissassemble some old computers or
something. Until I get bored and decide to run around outside naked
again or something weird like that. goodbye.
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| Well, I'm posting again. Huzzah. Been several months.. but I haven't felt teh n33d in a while. Here's another personality test:
As an Idealist,
your mission in life is to make the world a better place. You care
about big ideas and big issues, but you're also dedicated to the lives
of the people around you. In many ways, you're the ideal friend or
co-worker. You have great empathy skills. You give sound advice, but
more importantly, you know when to just listen. At work, you're a
natural facilitator, motivator, and energizer. You have a gift for
promoting harmony and cooperation at work. In fact, few things bother
you more than conflicts at work.
True Romantics like
you are pretty rare. You have a good imagination, which allows you to
visualize the type of woman you could fall in love with. You can
actually see and feel the future happiness the two of you would share.
You also have the patience and persistence to search for her. When you
finally meet her, the attraction can be instant and overwhelming. True Romantics believe
in destiny, but you're also willing to give fate a push in the right
direction. If necessary, you'll even make a total fool of yourself to
win her over. Romantics know that falling in love often means falling flat on your face.
So analyze that how you will.
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